WordPress is an Irresponsible Bachelor

WordPress is a platform that allows simple people – like me – to get a decent looking site quite quickly without much of a hassle; No coding knowledge needed. Sometimes, quick and easy has its costs; and the following ballad-wannabe story was written to illustrate one of my recent grievances in using WordPress.

Imagine you get a decent studio apartment. The only issue is that you really hate its tileset, and you come up with the idea to cover those cheap-looking tiles with a carpet. The carpet guy comes in and he goes “no problem yo, I just put that carpet on, glue it to the floor, staple it to the corners, and I am be done in no time.” You give him the ok sign and a bunch of money. He brings in his boombox, puts some hip-hop on, and goes to work. By the end of the day, your room looks smooth as salamander.

A few months go by, and the carpet starts to seem a bit weary. The next obvious step is to order a slick set of tiles and get yourself a shiny new floor. You bring in Pedro to give you an offer, he says: “Hey look Jose, I can give you a good deal, but I do not want to mess with this carpet and the tiles underneath, all you need to do is just allow me to put the tiles on top of the carpet, and you’re good-as-new amigo.” You replay: “Yeah, sure homie let’s do just that,” and what you get in return is an awesome looking room with fucking tiles that would make Kim Kardashian jealous. You are totally set to host them nice-looking birds in, and get some candle-lit-room-jungle-frenzy action going; You saved quite a bit on that job too! Shabang.

Many gals come and go as time passes. You decide that it is time to make a change; Now is the moment when you get yourself a classy chick – a parquet is what you need. It is a well-known fact that a parquet floor will provide any deadbeat with the much-needed sophistication to attract high-class ass. Here comes the parquet guy – just some white dude, who gives you a price to which you agree. The next thing you know, you have a place right out of a magazine page, with flower pots and everything. You are ready to roll; Never mind that you have placed so many layers of floor on the ground that you can’t fucking stand straight without concussing yourself off the ceiling.

The next broad you bring is all you wished for: Working for some big firm as an accountant, a fair hair and a nice smile to match, walking around on heels just high enough to emphasize her four-times-a-week-pilates booty, and to top all that perfection, she carries an edge: An affection for bungee jumping, roller coasters and dancing like a maniac – making her very fun. Being greeted at the door, her face seems to lighten as she walks into your bachelor’s kingdom. You start off with some electro-tango music and a casual dinner – sushi and some french fries on the side; After you finish eating, it is time for something special. The Jamaican-Blue-Mountain coffee, brought by your friend from Brazil, has just scored you a home-run; One sniff from the finest grains on earth and the lady was all yours.

After a couple of months, you know you want to marry her; despite the fact it seems early, it seems right. You two choose to move in together. It is time to get rid of your bachelor’s palace. “Come to my castle, it can be yours!” – the ad says; Many people come. All ask the same thing – “why is the ceiling so low?”. You realize that you put four fucking layers of floor on top of each other like a dumb kid building castles in the sand. There is no way around it but to waste big money and renovate; Losing some of the precious time you could spend with your wife-to-be – A fine dame who is not known for her ability to tolerate fuckups like you.

It seems like WordPress is kind of like Pedro the tiler – It gives you fast solutions with good results; Unfortunately, those solutions are not as good as they first seem to be. Eventually, you find yourself a little bit fucked.

When I started this site, I installed WordPress, then I went to look for a nice theme – like every blogger does when he sets up his home. Finally, I found something I was looking for and it seemed great. Then, after I had quite a few things up and running, I read somewhere that google performance check is something I should do because google takes that into account when rating your page in search results. I ran the test, it returned with some worrisome numbers: Apparently, my site has a bunch of needless CSS and javascript in it, 93% of useless code in fact.

With this new information, I went on the hunt. I found out that the file in question – which is loaded every time you open my site, is 300kB big. Now, it might not sound like much, but considering that every character is 1 byte, and 300kB is roughly 300,000 bytes, it means fucking 10,000 lines of useless code google urges me to clean up. If I don’t: my page rating will suffer – at that point I was quite unsettled. There are many things wrong about WordPress, but having your site being a literal digital pile of shit, takes the cake by quite a fucking margin.

So how does it happen? Well, you see, instead of coding your page like a decent human being, WordPress tells you that you don’t need to get dirty and edit the CSS file directly. You just need to take snippets of code and inject them through their interface. After many revisions, a theme accumulates an incomprehensible amount of useless crap in its files. Nobody gives a shit apparently, and I am left with a task to either clean it up, (which I tried, and a bunch of shit broke in the process,) or switch into another theme – Meaning the site will look different, and that would suck because I really like the way this theme looks. It is like having a very beautiful girlfriend who is also completely fucking insane; And you are left with the choice to abandon her and all her mad beauty behind, or bear the consequences and risk yourself being stubbed in the nut.

Seems like I need to find myself a good set of gloves and a gas mask because I am about to dive into this pile of shit code and start cleaning it up.

Until then,